Our Deepest Fear
On Outgrowing Friends and Marathon PRs
This week, I want to share another athlete win and talk about outgrowing friendships.
One of my coaching clients is a 27-year-old LA-based guy named Louis. Louis a is fellow Penn State Sigma Chi. We sadly didn’t overlap in Happy Valley, but I know we would’ve been buds in college; however, what’s more important is that we’ve built a relationship post-grad.
On our last Forge Performance team call, Louis vulnerably shared that his new roommates don’t think he’s cool because he doesn’t drink. He doesn’t go out. Instead, he works, works out, and puts energy into relationships that give him energy. That’s cool to me.
As his coach, and as a 20-something that’s gone through this exact phase, I empathized. Anyone committed to self-development knows about the lonely chapter.
That period when you don’t quite fit in with your old set of friends yet aren’t fully accepted or embraced by the group of people you hope to be friends with.
I vividly remember going through this post-grad. I was living at home with my parents, working a 9-5 I hated but was scared to quit, and being peer pressured to go out to Philly to party every weekend.
Something needed to change, my environment needed to change, and the pandemic brought an opportunity. Because of the restrictions and mask-wearing, I had an easy out. “Sorry boys, I can’t. Can’t risk getting my parents sick.”
I drove across the country and settled in Colorado, a place that’s had my heart since I learned to ski on the slopes of Steamboat with my dad and older brother when I was a kid. I worked remotely in Denver in 2020, again in 2021, and after a tough breakup, I finally made the move in 2022.
Here in the Rockies, I no longer need to explain myself or justify my actions, like spending my Saturday riding my bike for five hours instead of boozing, because I am surrounded by other people doing similar things with similar goals.
Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy the occasional beer—a hazy IPA after a long ramble in the alpine or an Ironman—but in retrospect, it’s obvious I was numbing myself with alcohol.
Ask yourself—if you remove the social lubricant of alcohol, do you even enjoy the people you’re around? If not, you don’t have friends, you have drinking buddies.
Change often happens slowly, with small, seemingly insignificant decisions. You say no to one invitation, and to the next. Over time, you don’t even get the text. It’s uncomfortable, but remember, growth and comfort cannot coexist, by definition.
Your old friends will say, “You’ve changed.” They may even call you weird, or worse, but you’re proud of your growth. You’re no longer the frat bro ripping a bong and taking tequila shots at 3 AM on a Thursday, but you are to them. It’s uncomfortable for them too. Your transformation forces them to look themselves in the mirror and question what they want and what they’re capable of.
While I’m no longer that guy, I’m glad he existed. I wouldn’t be who I am today without him and I like who I am today. But every second provides another opportunity to change who we are. Don’t let your past dictate your future.
It’s great to romanticize and reminisce, but if you’re only talking about the past, you’ll get stuck there. Surround yourself with people who are building in the present and planning for the future.
I get it, making friends as adults can be weird and awkward, but you can be the lighthouse. Lead by example and give other people permission to do the same.
Your network is your net worth. You become who you surround yourself with, so surround yourself with people who support the future version of you, who you can call when shit hits the fan, and celebrate you when you win.
Our guy Louis completed the Chicago Marathon this weekend, running a 3:49, beating his previous marathon time by two hours!
And his roommates? They’re runners now.
Be the change.
Hard Choices Easy Life, Easy Choices Hard Life sums a lot about what goes for everyone's life. I myself am self aware that the life I am living is on total automation, there is no autonomous decision making I hold for myself as I didn't move outside my parent's house, which leads to they generally have a say in everything which is kind of default for their generation. A ruckus gets created everyday for tiny bit of things which impacts everybody's day both in personal and professional which leads to a lot of stress and anxiety leading to poor focus & effort allocation throughout the whole day leading to mediocre efforts which will lead to mediocre or no result in the future.
I have said to myself that I need to move out from here, it will good for my personal growth, professionally as well and good for my family's overall health as well. I don't want to be dictated by my family in my 30's, when will I develop the skill of decision making the. I see almost 99% of people are living superficial lives even with their partners, they are not blunt about they want to speak or be who they are. Decisions are being made everywhere in some kind of peer pressure, even when I see they say we love each other a lot but then I see their decisions where the pressure gets seen mounted by one partner on the other. We are not living, our bodies are alive. Till date I haven't been around a human who has the skill of extreme ownership meaning they take onus of everything in their lives, I am surrounded by people blaming other people, government, their extended family for some or the other thing. And I see myself being turned into that over the last 27 years I have been alive, from the last couple of months I have changed every bit of narration that goes in my mind where I say to my parents that because of you people I had to pursue law and now I am doomed. But now I flipped the script, I take ownership & accountability of almost everything, I blame myself because I need to develop this skill to improve my life right now and for the upcoming times as well. Blaming others won't ever help me, in every situation if we think deeply we could have done better in that circumstance if we had the decision making skill. I don't see around me people with rational decision making skills as well.
I could surrender right now and say to myself that fuck everything and join your father's business. But I am revolting against my life because I know it as easy decision to join the business but only in the present. If I look it from ten thousand foot view, I know this is not what I want. I have to stand up for myself and take decisions that I want to and not what other people expect of me.
Nobody in my family, nobody from my school life, nobody from my college life runs. They can't even fathom when I call them to see me run for 24 Hour Track race. Today I am going for a Bachelorette party with my college friends, I don't wish to go but it is just some sort of obligation. I have been brutally honest with people that I don't drink, so there is no kind of pressure in that spectrum. But every one of them is living life on automation, they are pursuing the field of law because all of them has a degree in Law and don't have the guts to pivot. Every time I meet them, they never seem happy with their professional life. What they do is have a get together, drink and keep watching reels on for hours and just waste time life they have multiple lives. I can't understand why they aren't making set of decisions to make tiny changes in their lives. Almost no one is physically active or incorporates any kind of sport of exercise in their lives. They will talk bs with their friends for hours but will say we don't have time for Gym or any sport.
All of their focus is allocated towards buying branded things, be it Iphone (Apple is status symbol in India), be it some kind of fancy watch, branded shoes. I don't relate to them in 10% of their talks, so it feels like a sheer time waste when I spend time with them for a day or so.
As my internal monologue keeps on wreaking havoc for making changes. But they blabber something regarding changes but there so intended action. And how can you spend time with people who aren't self aware that they are living life on automation, talk with them about this in depth and they will fell like they have gone haywire, what the fuck they are speaking or they have been influenced by some sort of youtube video. My college room mate recently asked when will I stop running? I told him I have no answer for this as I can't have in depth talk with as he doesn't have the psychological flexibility to understand what I would be speaking to him as he consumes 90% of media all the people around me consume. How their though process will change then when they think similar thoughts.