In sports, there is a defined winner and loser, determined by agreed-upon rules that govern the game. Competition is typically a zero-sum game.
In relationships, that is far from the case; however, athletes and partners alike can probably agree that we learn more from our failures than our successes. Our struggles, no matter the context, unveil blind spots and leave cracks in our armor. While wounding, they expose weaknesses and provide opportunities for development.
In March’s Lessons in Love from 14,000 Feet, I shared takeaways from Terry Real’s Fierce Intimacy. While developing awareness is the first step, learning is virtually meaningless without implementation and behavior change.
Over the past few months, I’ve identified three losing strategies I tend to deploy—being right, retaliating, and withdrawing.
Real says that objective reality has no place in personal relationships. While there can be temporary satisfaction from “winning” an argument, you end up hurting someone you care about, which is ultimately a loss.
When I feel pain or wronged, I jab and offend from the victim position, often bringing up triggers, situations, and events from the past to prove my point or get even. Yet keeping score in such scenarios is a fool’s errand, so I’ve learned from friends in happy marriages.
When receiving feedback, I can become avoidant, taking observations and suggestions as personal attacks and criticism. When I disengage, my partner becomes more upset, and I retreat into my shell, reinforcing the destructive cycle keeping us stuck. The same wall that protects me also imprisons me.
When giving feedback, I struggle to express myself, not wanting to rock the boat or hurt my loved one. However, none of us are mind-readers. We all see the world differently. Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
If there is something you feel is unfair, you owe it to yourself and the person on the receiving end to directly and explicitly convey how you feel, the behavior that’s bothering you, and how it’s affecting you.
Even in mutual and reciprocal dynamics, it’s critical to communicate your needs and desires, ideally in a way that’s productive and non-accusatory.
This is where Dr. Julie Colwell’s S.E.W. framework comes in.
S.E.W. is an acronym for the three things you want to disclose—sensations, emotions, and wants. Sharing the unarguable truth is a fast path to shift out of projection and blame into the real issue:
“Right now, I’m feeling…”
Sensations: in your body—not the story
Emotions: sad, mad/angry, scared/fearful, glad/happy/loving, excited/surprised/aroused
Wants: what you want or don’t want (this is what most people miss or don’t mention)
While uncomfortable, at least for me, you must avoid people-pleasing and say what you really think. If you don’t, you’ll end up playing a role and creating an identity and image that’s not really you, one you won’t be able to maintain. Your job is to tell the truth, even if it’s your truth, not manage external reactions to it. A hard-fought lesson I’ve learned is that other people’s emotions are not your responsibility.
One of my all-time favorite books is Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. In it, he advises us to be impeccable with our word, not take anything personally, and not make assumptions—a practical guide to personal freedom. Simple, but not easy.
Repair, knowing love and the ability to return to closeness, is arguably the most important skill in any relationship. To do so, we must let go of our childhood conditioning and enter into compassionate curiosity about our partner’s subjective experience.
Meditation has taught me there’s magic in the space between. Being an observer of our thoughts and emotions rather than identifying with them creates a gap—an opportunity for us to consciously respond instead of reflexively react.
Men tend to be fixers. Great when there’s a long to-do list that needs action. Not always the best for matters of the heart.
This is where the “heard, hugged, or helped” framework comes in. The next time your loved one is upset, you can ask, “Do you want to be heard, hugged, or helped?”
Heard: Do they need to vent?
Hugged: Do they need empathy and comfort?
Helped: Or would they like assistance in figuring out how to problem-solve?
Most of the time, others just want to be listened to and have their feelings acknowledged and validated. Shocking, I know.
Relationships can serve as a powerful mirror. As Peter Crone says, “People and circumstances come into our lives to reveal where we’re not free.”
Your buttons will get pushed. What you have not transcended will be uncovered. But on the other side, there will be healing and growth.
Look, I’m not married. I’m not a counselor, psychologist, or therapist. I don’t pretend to play one on the Internet. I am far from perfect in this realm, so publishing a write-up about these topics felt somewhat silly; however, what I share here are reminders to myself. It’s for my self-expression and benefit. These weekly words are meant to document my journey. If it helps you too, then even better.
Good stuff Holzy.
Adam—all good points. Great points, actually.
Regarding your point about fairness…..Something I learned years and years ago is about creating “fairness” in relationships. It is this:
Life, if it going to be fair is going to be fair in the long run not the short run.
Same with relationships: If they are going to be fair they are going to be fair in the long run more than in the short run. Making them fair in the short run is often destructive to relationships. Realizing that if the relationship is good then all will be fair in the long run preserves them. And it means not sweating the small stuff.